Love can not be passive.
3連休、調子良くなかったなあ、と思う。
鬱っぽいのが酷くて、過食衝動も強めで、
気分の起伏が激しくて、それでも結構無理して
読むもの読んで、調べること調べて、考えること考えた。
やらなきゃいけないこと
準備しなきゃいけないこといっぱいありすぎるよぅ
こんな仕事しながら。
こんな症状（鬱、過食嘔吐）もちながら。
いや。
大丈夫。
「生きる、だけで精一杯」の時期を抜けて。
「女どころか、人間捨ててます！」の時期を抜けて。
「もう、十分幸せになったんだから、これ以上生きなくてもいいじゃん」を乗り越えて。
「何だろう？何かつかめそうな気がする」
「何だろう？何か新しい見え方がすぐそこまで『来ている』ような・・・」
もっともっともっと繊細に・強くなっていく、
愛を受信する感覚も
愛を生み出す能力も
「ありがとう」を発する力も
止まらない。止められない。歩く。
進まなきゃ。
必ず世界にお返しするんだ。
愛に受身はありえない。
感じられるようになったらね
ひたすら心にそれを増やすの・・・
まるで筋肉の繊維1本1本の動きを感じるみたいに
漆黒の闇、沈黙の中に「何か」の動きを感じるように。
どんな不安も恐怖も怒りさえも感じるほどに
その逆の、安心や満たされる感じや愛を、
「次」には必ず、強く感じられる心になっているから。
「感じる」「愛する」
以外に生きる本当の意味なんて何処にあるだろう？
「感じ」も「愛」も「心」も
全部捨てて「生き」て行くつもりだった、これを病気と知る前。
そんな「生き」方をしていたから、病気になったということも知らずに。
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
I wasn't feeling so good in this 3-day holidays.
Depression was awful, impulse for overeating, rise and fall of emotions was also strong, but being in such state, learned necessary things, read books, thought about what I needed to do. How so many things what I have to prepare I have!!
Working busy everyday, still having so much symptoms, overeating-vomitting and depression.
No, I'm perfectly safe and OK.
Passed already the state of "life-or-death",
Passed already the state of... You'd rather asking "Is she still live or dead?" than "Is she a kind of man or woman?"
And having got over, I was saying like this for a long time;
I've got already happy enough, oughtn't I live any more, ought I?"
Lately I'm feeling like I'm catching something new, something views totally anew coming right over there. Somehow I feel so.
I should be more delicate and make strong the sense of;
receiving love more,
generate love more,
expressing gratitude more.
I shall return the compliment to the world.
I have to go on, more, where people and world waiting for far along!
Love can not be passive.
If you can feel, can get feeling enough, increase them up in heart, that must be overflow.
Be more sensitive, like receive the sense of every single fiber of muscle,
like trying to listen to or look something in the silent ebony dark.
No escape! Any anxiety, hollowness, distress, even anger, how much you feel, you don't have to afraid, because for"next time"(when you can pass by), you will feel more strongly opposite things like; a sens of security, satisfaction, love, consolation.
Don't we have more important thing than to feel and love, do we?
Before I know this's disease, I "lived" throwing away all of sense, heart, any emotion, and love.
I pretend to be having abandoned them already.
Not knowing being in such way of life, that made me such a horrible disease (eating disorder).
鬱っぽいのが酷くて、過食衝動も強めで、
気分の起伏が激しくて、それでも結構無理して
読むもの読んで、調べること調べて、考えること考えた。
やらなきゃいけないこと
準備しなきゃいけないこといっぱいありすぎるよぅ
こんな仕事しながら。
こんな症状（鬱、過食嘔吐）もちながら。
いや。
大丈夫。
「生きる、だけで精一杯」の時期を抜けて。
「女どころか、人間捨ててます！」の時期を抜けて。
「もう、十分幸せになったんだから、これ以上生きなくてもいいじゃん」を乗り越えて。
「何だろう？何かつかめそうな気がする」
「何だろう？何か新しい見え方がすぐそこまで『来ている』ような・・・」
もっともっともっと繊細に・強くなっていく、
愛を受信する感覚も
愛を生み出す能力も
「ありがとう」を発する力も
止まらない。止められない。歩く。
進まなきゃ。
必ず世界にお返しするんだ。
愛に受身はありえない。
感じられるようになったらね
ひたすら心にそれを増やすの・・・
まるで筋肉の繊維1本1本の動きを感じるみたいに
漆黒の闇、沈黙の中に「何か」の動きを感じるように。
どんな不安も恐怖も怒りさえも感じるほどに
その逆の、安心や満たされる感じや愛を、
「次」には必ず、強く感じられる心になっているから。
「感じる」「愛する」
以外に生きる本当の意味なんて何処にあるだろう？
「感じ」も「愛」も「心」も
全部捨てて「生き」て行くつもりだった、これを病気と知る前。
そんな「生き」方をしていたから、病気になったということも知らずに。
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
I wasn't feeling so good in this 3-day holidays.
Depression was awful, impulse for overeating, rise and fall of emotions was also strong, but being in such state, learned necessary things, read books, thought about what I needed to do. How so many things what I have to prepare I have!!
Working busy everyday, still having so much symptoms, overeating-vomitting and depression.
No, I'm perfectly safe and OK.
Passed already the state of "life-or-death",
Passed already the state of... You'd rather asking "Is she still live or dead?" than "Is she a kind of man or woman?"
And having got over, I was saying like this for a long time;
I've got already happy enough, oughtn't I live any more, ought I?"
Lately I'm feeling like I'm catching something new, something views totally anew coming right over there. Somehow I feel so.
I should be more delicate and make strong the sense of;
receiving love more,
generate love more,
expressing gratitude more.
I shall return the compliment to the world.
I have to go on, more, where people and world waiting for far along!
Love can not be passive.
If you can feel, can get feeling enough, increase them up in heart, that must be overflow.
Be more sensitive, like receive the sense of every single fiber of muscle,
like trying to listen to or look something in the silent ebony dark.
No escape! Any anxiety, hollowness, distress, even anger, how much you feel, you don't have to afraid, because for"next time"(when you can pass by), you will feel more strongly opposite things like; a sens of security, satisfaction, love, consolation.
Don't we have more important thing than to feel and love, do we?
Before I know this's disease, I "lived" throwing away all of sense, heart, any emotion, and love.
I pretend to be having abandoned them already.
Not knowing being in such way of life, that made me such a horrible disease (eating disorder).
