記録 2013.11.25.
*東京、なんだかしらないけど、夕方あたりから、
風がびゅ〜びゅ〜吹いて、大雨。
そんなに寒くはないんだけどね。
道路をケヤキの葉っぱがかたまりになって移動してたよ。
*勇さんだいじょぶっすか。朝から爆笑しましたｗ
スマホ・・・室伏・・・ｗｗ
無理しないでくださいね。クルマの運転とか。本当に。
*林檎さんお疲れー
明日晴れても、おうちに居たらいいよ。
「働こう」「働こう」「働こう」
「親離れしよう」「しよう」「しよう」
すっげ〜伝わってくる。出来るよ。ってか誰も邪魔すんな。
と 日々思っております。
*うわーん もう本当に誰か止めてよー
どうしてそんなに無理に無理をしなきゃなんないんです？
骨折れてるのにフルマラソン、とか、そういうむちゃくちゃだよ！
誰か守ってやる大人はいないのか？
おばあちゃんとか？小学校の先生とか？近所のおばさんとか？
父か母の兄弟姉妹とか？
「ちょっと、あの子今働くなんて無理よ？
家でゆっくりさせてやんなさい。外国から帰ったばっかりだし・・・
日本にすこし慣れるためにも、週2〜3日数時間のバイトからとか・・・」
そういう生き方はしてきてないんだ。
ずーっとこうやって生きてきたんだ。
誰も守ってくれなかったんだ。そもそも守ってもらえるって何？
どこにそんな人がいるのっ？
って即答・反駁なんだろう・・・(暗澹）
I was remembering how I was living when I was in the state of thinking of only death,
for I thought I was too terrible thing to exist in this world.
I remember at that time, (t’was very beautiful season, earliest May?or something like that, I can’t remember well though)
All I did anymore was at that time overeat and sleep.
But even at that time, twice a day, at least.
Felt myself was too scary, cruel, ugly, devastated, rotten stuff, to exist in this world,
Had strange, keen breast pain all the day, I got not be able to shed any tears.
Just wanna disappear, or, would like to be a thing that doesn’t exist from the first, everyone would be happy only if I wouldn’t be born to.
That’s a little bit different from present yours, but I think I could understand a little better than the normal people would do.
While you don’t want to live anymore, your breath doesn’t stop, your heart doesn’t stop,
without your will, somehow everything never stop and go on.
Why do I have to grieve this world in this way? I’m not supposed to be like this way, I do never think this doesn’t be just a gripe.
Say more “No.” Lemme listen to your grieves more?
With such parents and childhood, how could you be a normal grown-up?
It’s very natural for you to suffer from such irrational fears, panics, depression, and various disastrous impulses, at least I think so.
With such “symptoms” how dare you keep living till now, for more than 30 years.
You might say when I go like this, they’re not responsible to my disease, anyhow you might insist so.
And I think they’re happiest parents in the world, so loved and defensed, their only daughter owes all negative ones on her body and mind!
Actually present parents cannot do for your recovery, especially for your case, I think they do make yours even worse.
So I think there’s any way not to live with your parents.
Cherish your every sense, come up to your heart, wherever you live,
even in the case you never live on this world, this physical entity would end,
but this soul would last and remain, without any religion, we must understand this anyhow.
*To tell the truth, I wouldn’t like to go to work this morning, after drinking a cup of hot milk,
felt so good that went bed again, got like not to go (lazy).
*I found inside of the building that I’m working for decollated like Christmas, it’s already end of November.
I’m happy to see many many photos of such deco-building, deco-house, deco-shop, deco-street on everybody’s blog!
*I'm supposed to go to bed (actually, not bed but futon...) earlier, what am I doing?
風がびゅ〜びゅ〜吹いて、大雨。
そんなに寒くはないんだけどね。
道路をケヤキの葉っぱがかたまりになって移動してたよ。
*勇さんだいじょぶっすか。朝から爆笑しましたｗ
スマホ・・・室伏・・・ｗｗ
無理しないでくださいね。クルマの運転とか。本当に。
*林檎さんお疲れー
明日晴れても、おうちに居たらいいよ。
「働こう」「働こう」「働こう」
「親離れしよう」「しよう」「しよう」
すっげ〜伝わってくる。出来るよ。ってか誰も邪魔すんな。
と 日々思っております。
*うわーん もう本当に誰か止めてよー
どうしてそんなに無理に無理をしなきゃなんないんです？
骨折れてるのにフルマラソン、とか、そういうむちゃくちゃだよ！
誰か守ってやる大人はいないのか？
おばあちゃんとか？小学校の先生とか？近所のおばさんとか？
父か母の兄弟姉妹とか？
「ちょっと、あの子今働くなんて無理よ？
家でゆっくりさせてやんなさい。外国から帰ったばっかりだし・・・
日本にすこし慣れるためにも、週2〜3日数時間のバイトからとか・・・」
そういう生き方はしてきてないんだ。
ずーっとこうやって生きてきたんだ。
誰も守ってくれなかったんだ。そもそも守ってもらえるって何？
どこにそんな人がいるのっ？
って即答・反駁なんだろう・・・(暗澹）
I was remembering how I was living when I was in the state of thinking of only death,
for I thought I was too terrible thing to exist in this world.
I remember at that time, (t’was very beautiful season, earliest May?or something like that, I can’t remember well though)
All I did anymore was at that time overeat and sleep.
But even at that time, twice a day, at least.
Felt myself was too scary, cruel, ugly, devastated, rotten stuff, to exist in this world,
Had strange, keen breast pain all the day, I got not be able to shed any tears.
Just wanna disappear, or, would like to be a thing that doesn’t exist from the first, everyone would be happy only if I wouldn’t be born to.
That’s a little bit different from present yours, but I think I could understand a little better than the normal people would do.
While you don’t want to live anymore, your breath doesn’t stop, your heart doesn’t stop,
without your will, somehow everything never stop and go on.
Why do I have to grieve this world in this way? I’m not supposed to be like this way, I do never think this doesn’t be just a gripe.
Say more “No.” Lemme listen to your grieves more?
With such parents and childhood, how could you be a normal grown-up?
It’s very natural for you to suffer from such irrational fears, panics, depression, and various disastrous impulses, at least I think so.
With such “symptoms” how dare you keep living till now, for more than 30 years.
You might say when I go like this, they’re not responsible to my disease, anyhow you might insist so.
And I think they’re happiest parents in the world, so loved and defensed, their only daughter owes all negative ones on her body and mind!
Actually present parents cannot do for your recovery, especially for your case, I think they do make yours even worse.
So I think there’s any way not to live with your parents.
Cherish your every sense, come up to your heart, wherever you live,
even in the case you never live on this world, this physical entity would end,
but this soul would last and remain, without any religion, we must understand this anyhow.
*To tell the truth, I wouldn’t like to go to work this morning, after drinking a cup of hot milk,
felt so good that went bed again, got like not to go (lazy).
*I found inside of the building that I’m working for decollated like Christmas, it’s already end of November.
I’m happy to see many many photos of such deco-building, deco-house, deco-shop, deco-street on everybody’s blog!
*I'm supposed to go to bed (actually, not bed but futon...) earlier, what am I doing?
