In my previous life...
久しぶりに、あの子の夢を見た。
長い、また、リアルな夢・・・
まさか。呼ばれているわけは無いのに。
また。熱く語ってた。
もう いやなのにさ。
自分の面倒をやっとこみれる、位の私が。
誰かを助けられるつもりの。
どんなに憎まれても許せる愛せるつもりの。
誰かさん（たち）みたいな傲慢なんかまっぴら、って思うのに。
センターの時みたいに、両手を、集中して擦って合わせて。
センターに行かなくなって2年超経つのに、今でも時々やってみると、かなり大きな「球」が出来る。
よく見ると白い煙のようなものすら見える。
夢の中でもそうして。
「何か感じる？」
あの子の頭を膝に抱いて、左手と左手をつないで、額をくっつけて、
「何も言わなくていいからさ、ここに。今、疑問に思ってること。知りたいこと。を思い浮かべてみて」
口と心と頭とがバラバラに離れた状態で。
各々が、その時々に、誰か他人に乗っ取られている状態で。
思いを。感じを。ビジュアル化。言語化。なんて無理。
でも やっと望んで呉れたの。
望む者には、扉は、開かれる。ことを信じる者として。
私には扉の中のことは分からない。一緒には行けない。
開く、どころか触れることすら出来ない。
でも、必ず、望む者には、開かれることだけを信じている。
春の草原に忽然とあらわれた地下への入り口。
冷たい石の階段をどんどん降りて行くと、スポットライトで浮き出た「癒しの庭」
地下数十メートルなのに、キラキラの光や、鳥のさえずり、花の香り。
ひとつだけある椅子にかけて、あまりの気持ちよさに、少し休もうと、目を閉じると、眼の前に数十の鏡。
「私」の生きたそれぞれの人生『前世』を見せてくれる鏡、だという。
一番、今の私の悩みに、関係のある『前世』を見せてくれる鏡をひとつ選びその前に立つ。
私には、文字通り魔境の入り口だった。
2007年初頭のこと。正社員で勤めていた会社もクビになって。
少し良くなりかけてた鬱がぶり返し、過食も少し増えていた頃。
この人生のことだけでは説明の出来ないこと。感情。感覚の理由を、
他の人生を追体験することで、説明できるようになっていく。
冷静に受け取るには苦し過ぎて。残酷すぎて。しかも自分でコントロールすることも出来なくなっていって。
（「見に行く」感覚だったのが、強制的に「再生開始」され、いつでも身体と頭が「その人生」に捕われる感じ）
コロシアムで、たくさんの奴隷と殺し合いをさせられ、最後に猛獣に食い殺された奴隷戦士。
目と喉をつぶされ、手脚を切り落とされ、一生売春させられた少女。
都市の空襲で、家族とはぐれ、焼け出され命を落とした少年。
麻薬中毒の占い師。少年少女の心臓を生きたまま神に捧げる儀式・・・
地動説を唱え宗教裁判にかけられた市井の天文学者。
女親、姉妹による性的虐待をうけ、異常な性嗜好をもつようになった医師。
本当の前世、かどうか、魂が輪廻転生しているのかどうか、など確かめようも無いけれど、
これらの「人生」が、アートちゃんの人生30余年のことを、ずっと抱えていた感覚、思考、意識の理由を、
見事に説明してくれていた。
認めた、から、理由があったって、分かったから、
見る前は、認める前は、怖かった。拒否した。逃げ回った。けど、感じられてよかったと思った。
こんなもん、抱えてたら、意識出来なくても、病気になるよ。
ってかこの程度（過食嘔吐）で済まされてて不思議なくらいだ。
って思うようになった。
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
For the first time in a long while, I had a dream of "her".
So long and realistic as ever, but I can't believe she calls me again, never does that.
We've had enough, haven't we? Such arrogant, terrible way of "helping" other patients,
with still suffer much symptoms.
Just like them.
As we used to do in the Center, strongly rub my palms together with consentration.
Though it's passed more than 2 years since I stopped going to Center,
still I can make pretty large "ball" of the Qi,
and sometimes it looks like it contains even white smoke.
In the dream I did so and asked her
"Can you feel something?"
Holding her head with shaking light hands, put our foreheads together and I told her;
"You don't have to say anything. Try to imagine and put here what you wanna know or what you annoy now,..
never run away, if you refuse to feel, you never get to there, OK?"
She's never able to express in word or visualize what she thinks, imagine, where her heart, head, body all to pieces torn apart.
Also each one obsessed by the others at any given time, in different situations.
But with such a state (in the dream), she at last start hoping that and told me that she wanted to know real cause of the unconfortable feelings.
I don't know that. I could never feel nor see that even a piece of that, but I believe that the door will open to who's really wanting to know.
Just believing. Can't open, even touch with that, I know it will open and tell truth sooner or later, if she hopes.
It's a beautiful sunny day in earliest of May.
This wonder plairie streched on for miles and miles.
There's a nice, gentle breeze blowing. Let's go for a walk.
You suddenly spotted an entrance to an underpass.
You walk down the pleasantly cool stone steps to find a wonderful garden of healing.
Somehow a chair is on the grass, you had to take a seat for you're a little tired walking so long.
Closing your eye, in the dark, you see several dozen mirror, in each of them, there's a flickering small light.
Those are mirrors that show your other lives ever you lived before you were born to this life.
Choose just one mirror and stand by it.
That will show a life most related to your present doubt or worry.
For me, that was literally gates of hell.
It was beginning of 2007, when I'd fired the company worked to as full-timer, because of depression.
So the state of mind, depression got worse and the amount of overeating was increased too.
Like catching at an oppotunity, that started to relive "the other lives" on my body, so that I can explain the cause of various feelings, senses, perceptions, that I couldn't explain just by event's just on this life.
They were too suffering, cruel things, to take coolly, to take rationally.
Moreover, I got unable to controll them by myself, the distressing "daydreams" began to start suddenly instead of going to see (like a TV program).
Ancient times, in a Colosseum for a freak show to nobles, a slave soldier who preyed on by a savage beast after suvivering battle with other slaves.
A girl scrached eyes out, burned throat off with strong acid, severed arms and legs so that prostituted herself for the lifetime.
A boy killed in air-raids, straying away from his parents.
A priestess in drug addiction, holding the ceremony offering live hearts of children to as propitiation.
An astronomer who advocated the Copernican system and stand trial of religious court.
A surgent who has abnormal sexual predilection because of sexual abuse by his mother and sisters in his childhood.
Are they my true former incarnations? In the first place, metempsuchoses such like these are scientifficaly-valid?
I can't prove right either, but I can say those lives gave excellent explanation to my present life, that has imconprehensible feelings, senses, symptoms.
I was really relieved when I accepted those really existed, even though I refused, rejected, scared, wondered, ran away from them before.
It's natural to have made ill, got weird diseases, if I'm living with such things!
Is it wonderful so am I only depression and bulimia with such unbearable things?
長い、また、リアルな夢・・・
まさか。呼ばれているわけは無いのに。
また。熱く語ってた。
もう いやなのにさ。
自分の面倒をやっとこみれる、位の私が。
誰かを助けられるつもりの。
どんなに憎まれても許せる愛せるつもりの。
誰かさん（たち）みたいな傲慢なんかまっぴら、って思うのに。
センターの時みたいに、両手を、集中して擦って合わせて。
センターに行かなくなって2年超経つのに、今でも時々やってみると、かなり大きな「球」が出来る。
よく見ると白い煙のようなものすら見える。
夢の中でもそうして。
「何か感じる？」
あの子の頭を膝に抱いて、左手と左手をつないで、額をくっつけて、
「何も言わなくていいからさ、ここに。今、疑問に思ってること。知りたいこと。を思い浮かべてみて」
口と心と頭とがバラバラに離れた状態で。
各々が、その時々に、誰か他人に乗っ取られている状態で。
思いを。感じを。ビジュアル化。言語化。なんて無理。
でも やっと望んで呉れたの。
望む者には、扉は、開かれる。ことを信じる者として。
私には扉の中のことは分からない。一緒には行けない。
開く、どころか触れることすら出来ない。
でも、必ず、望む者には、開かれることだけを信じている。
春の草原に忽然とあらわれた地下への入り口。
冷たい石の階段をどんどん降りて行くと、スポットライトで浮き出た「癒しの庭」
地下数十メートルなのに、キラキラの光や、鳥のさえずり、花の香り。
ひとつだけある椅子にかけて、あまりの気持ちよさに、少し休もうと、目を閉じると、眼の前に数十の鏡。
「私」の生きたそれぞれの人生『前世』を見せてくれる鏡、だという。
一番、今の私の悩みに、関係のある『前世』を見せてくれる鏡をひとつ選びその前に立つ。
私には、文字通り魔境の入り口だった。
2007年初頭のこと。正社員で勤めていた会社もクビになって。
少し良くなりかけてた鬱がぶり返し、過食も少し増えていた頃。
この人生のことだけでは説明の出来ないこと。感情。感覚の理由を、
他の人生を追体験することで、説明できるようになっていく。
冷静に受け取るには苦し過ぎて。残酷すぎて。しかも自分でコントロールすることも出来なくなっていって。
（「見に行く」感覚だったのが、強制的に「再生開始」され、いつでも身体と頭が「その人生」に捕われる感じ）
コロシアムで、たくさんの奴隷と殺し合いをさせられ、最後に猛獣に食い殺された奴隷戦士。
目と喉をつぶされ、手脚を切り落とされ、一生売春させられた少女。
都市の空襲で、家族とはぐれ、焼け出され命を落とした少年。
麻薬中毒の占い師。少年少女の心臓を生きたまま神に捧げる儀式・・・
地動説を唱え宗教裁判にかけられた市井の天文学者。
女親、姉妹による性的虐待をうけ、異常な性嗜好をもつようになった医師。
本当の前世、かどうか、魂が輪廻転生しているのかどうか、など確かめようも無いけれど、
これらの「人生」が、アートちゃんの人生30余年のことを、ずっと抱えていた感覚、思考、意識の理由を、
見事に説明してくれていた。
認めた、から、理由があったって、分かったから、
見る前は、認める前は、怖かった。拒否した。逃げ回った。けど、感じられてよかったと思った。
こんなもん、抱えてたら、意識出来なくても、病気になるよ。
ってかこの程度（過食嘔吐）で済まされてて不思議なくらいだ。
って思うようになった。
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
For the first time in a long while, I had a dream of "her".
So long and realistic as ever, but I can't believe she calls me again, never does that.
We've had enough, haven't we? Such arrogant, terrible way of "helping" other patients,
with still suffer much symptoms.
Just like them.
As we used to do in the Center, strongly rub my palms together with consentration.
Though it's passed more than 2 years since I stopped going to Center,
still I can make pretty large "ball" of the Qi,
and sometimes it looks like it contains even white smoke.
In the dream I did so and asked her
"Can you feel something?"
Holding her head with shaking light hands, put our foreheads together and I told her;
"You don't have to say anything. Try to imagine and put here what you wanna know or what you annoy now,..
never run away, if you refuse to feel, you never get to there, OK?"
She's never able to express in word or visualize what she thinks, imagine, where her heart, head, body all to pieces torn apart.
Also each one obsessed by the others at any given time, in different situations.
But with such a state (in the dream), she at last start hoping that and told me that she wanted to know real cause of the unconfortable feelings.
I don't know that. I could never feel nor see that even a piece of that, but I believe that the door will open to who's really wanting to know.
Just believing. Can't open, even touch with that, I know it will open and tell truth sooner or later, if she hopes.
It's a beautiful sunny day in earliest of May.
This wonder plairie streched on for miles and miles.
There's a nice, gentle breeze blowing. Let's go for a walk.
You suddenly spotted an entrance to an underpass.
You walk down the pleasantly cool stone steps to find a wonderful garden of healing.
Somehow a chair is on the grass, you had to take a seat for you're a little tired walking so long.
Closing your eye, in the dark, you see several dozen mirror, in each of them, there's a flickering small light.
Those are mirrors that show your other lives ever you lived before you were born to this life.
Choose just one mirror and stand by it.
That will show a life most related to your present doubt or worry.
For me, that was literally gates of hell.
It was beginning of 2007, when I'd fired the company worked to as full-timer, because of depression.
So the state of mind, depression got worse and the amount of overeating was increased too.
Like catching at an oppotunity, that started to relive "the other lives" on my body, so that I can explain the cause of various feelings, senses, perceptions, that I couldn't explain just by event's just on this life.
They were too suffering, cruel things, to take coolly, to take rationally.
Moreover, I got unable to controll them by myself, the distressing "daydreams" began to start suddenly instead of going to see (like a TV program).
Ancient times, in a Colosseum for a freak show to nobles, a slave soldier who preyed on by a savage beast after suvivering battle with other slaves.
A girl scrached eyes out, burned throat off with strong acid, severed arms and legs so that prostituted herself for the lifetime.
A boy killed in air-raids, straying away from his parents.
A priestess in drug addiction, holding the ceremony offering live hearts of children to as propitiation.
An astronomer who advocated the Copernican system and stand trial of religious court.
A surgent who has abnormal sexual predilection because of sexual abuse by his mother and sisters in his childhood.
Are they my true former incarnations? In the first place, metempsuchoses such like these are scientifficaly-valid?
I can't prove right either, but I can say those lives gave excellent explanation to my present life, that has imconprehensible feelings, senses, symptoms.
I was really relieved when I accepted those really existed, even though I refused, rejected, scared, wondered, ran away from them before.
It's natural to have made ill, got weird diseases, if I'm living with such things!
Is it wonderful so am I only depression and bulimia with such unbearable things?
